Fri, April 10, 2009
The Witch Queen and the Steamer Trunk
PAGE 1
The conversation between Frank Jeffers and Roberts gets a little lost. Adding in a “Robert said” somewhere during the four-lined dialogue will make it less confusing for the reader about who is speaking. Even though this becomes apparent a few lines later, a slight change will help to guide the reader during the conversation.
BC – Boston College: those unfamiliar with the Boston area will be less likely to immediately identify BC with the university
PAGE 2
* The noted line does not read smoothly, it needs some work
PAGE 3
*As for the will of the dead, the passage of time either erased it or person’s memory, from the collective consciousness.
PAGE 4
First line: “During that old May” : a little confused about this line
3rd paragraph: “And then”: this phrase (with the given punctuation) gives too much anticipation and creates a false sense that something big is about to happen or be discovered
6th paragraph: how about combining the two sentences (Jaundiced, bloated clouds and out in that rain).The next sentence is short, so it would change up the pace of the paragraph and sentences.
9th paragraph: the fact that the papers (from inside the trunk) are not tainted by Robert’s bloody hands, even after he wipes some blood off his hand and onto the papers, is an important one. Just so that the reader truly understands what just happened, you may want to add in another sentence about Robert’s reaction to this. It is the first true moment of magic in the story so it wouldn’t hurt to emphasize it a but more.
PAGE 7
* dialogue: see the first comment made on page 1
suggestions for conclusion: old woman prophesizes to Robert
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