Thursday, April 16, 2009
Fri, Apr 10, 2009
Peter and I decided that it may be easier to find places of submission for this piece. Unlike the "The Witch Queen and the Steamer Trunk", I did not make as many edits to this draft because I felt a strong piece of the story was missing. After some discussion, we decided that Jean realized his decision to quit music (after his daughter is born) too quickly. I suggested that Peter lengthens the trip to the hospital, making it more of a trek in which Jean can take the time to contemplate his decision. Peter agreed with this suggestion. I believe this is Peter's stronger piece and am excited to read the next draft.
Draft 1: Darn that Dream
Fri, Apr 10, 2009
PAGE 1
Since there isn’t much dialogue, the first page reads more slowly then the rest of the story. The story has a slow start.
4th paragraph: this line is a bit long, how about shortening it to break up the sentence structure in the rest of the paragraph?
6th paragraph: change sentence to “Only so much remained before the inevitable decline.”
PAGE 3
1st paragraph: “Upon more reflection” change to “After some reflection”
PAGE 1
Since there isn’t much dialogue, the first page reads more slowly then the rest of the story. The story has a slow start.
4th paragraph: this line is a bit long, how about shortening it to break up the sentence structure in the rest of the paragraph?
6th paragraph: change sentence to “Only so much remained before the inevitable decline.”
PAGE 3
1st paragraph: “Upon more reflection” change to “After some reflection”
Fri, Apr 10, 2009
Peter and I met up for about an hour to discuss the edits I made on draft 1 of "The Witch Queen and the Steamer Trunk".
I suggested that there be more hints that Gordon Lark was in love with Robert. Also, since there is such a heavy emphasis of the witch and magic elements of the story, it would strengthen the ending if the Witch Queen says something to Robert after his discovers the truth. It would make for a nice concluding scene.
I expressed my concern about what type of literary magazine would be most appropriate for this type of writing. Peter agreed that it may be more difficult to find a place of submission for this story.
Overall, it was a very accomplished meeting.
I suggested that there be more hints that Gordon Lark was in love with Robert. Also, since there is such a heavy emphasis of the witch and magic elements of the story, it would strengthen the ending if the Witch Queen says something to Robert after his discovers the truth. It would make for a nice concluding scene.
I expressed my concern about what type of literary magazine would be most appropriate for this type of writing. Peter agreed that it may be more difficult to find a place of submission for this story.
Overall, it was a very accomplished meeting.
Draft 1: The Witch Queen and the Steamer Trunk
Fri, April 10, 2009
The Witch Queen and the Steamer Trunk
PAGE 1
The conversation between Frank Jeffers and Roberts gets a little lost. Adding in a “Robert said” somewhere during the four-lined dialogue will make it less confusing for the reader about who is speaking. Even though this becomes apparent a few lines later, a slight change will help to guide the reader during the conversation.
BC – Boston College: those unfamiliar with the Boston area will be less likely to immediately identify BC with the university
PAGE 2
* The noted line does not read smoothly, it needs some work
PAGE 3
*As for the will of the dead, the passage of time either erased it or person’s memory, from the collective consciousness.
PAGE 4
First line: “During that old May” : a little confused about this line
3rd paragraph: “And then”: this phrase (with the given punctuation) gives too much anticipation and creates a false sense that something big is about to happen or be discovered
6th paragraph: how about combining the two sentences (Jaundiced, bloated clouds and out in that rain).The next sentence is short, so it would change up the pace of the paragraph and sentences.
9th paragraph: the fact that the papers (from inside the trunk) are not tainted by Robert’s bloody hands, even after he wipes some blood off his hand and onto the papers, is an important one. Just so that the reader truly understands what just happened, you may want to add in another sentence about Robert’s reaction to this. It is the first true moment of magic in the story so it wouldn’t hurt to emphasize it a but more.
PAGE 7
* dialogue: see the first comment made on page 1
suggestions for conclusion: old woman prophesizes to Robert
The Witch Queen and the Steamer Trunk
PAGE 1
The conversation between Frank Jeffers and Roberts gets a little lost. Adding in a “Robert said” somewhere during the four-lined dialogue will make it less confusing for the reader about who is speaking. Even though this becomes apparent a few lines later, a slight change will help to guide the reader during the conversation.
BC – Boston College: those unfamiliar with the Boston area will be less likely to immediately identify BC with the university
PAGE 2
* The noted line does not read smoothly, it needs some work
PAGE 3
*As for the will of the dead, the passage of time either erased it or person’s memory, from the collective consciousness.
PAGE 4
First line: “During that old May” : a little confused about this line
3rd paragraph: “And then”: this phrase (with the given punctuation) gives too much anticipation and creates a false sense that something big is about to happen or be discovered
6th paragraph: how about combining the two sentences (Jaundiced, bloated clouds and out in that rain).The next sentence is short, so it would change up the pace of the paragraph and sentences.
9th paragraph: the fact that the papers (from inside the trunk) are not tainted by Robert’s bloody hands, even after he wipes some blood off his hand and onto the papers, is an important one. Just so that the reader truly understands what just happened, you may want to add in another sentence about Robert’s reaction to this. It is the first true moment of magic in the story so it wouldn’t hurt to emphasize it a but more.
PAGE 7
* dialogue: see the first comment made on page 1
suggestions for conclusion: old woman prophesizes to Robert
Email #3
Wed, Apr 15, 2009 at 11:41 PM
Subject: Revisions
Hi Cristina,
Here are my revisions. I just found a new literary magazine that might be much more likely to publish my work, which we could consider for submission instead of The Georgia Review. It's called the Puck Review: http://www.thepuckreview.com/aboutus.html
What do you think? They're a lot more open to younger writers. I think it might be worthwhile submitting there and coming up with my cover letter for that publication. Let me know and I'll drum one up to email to you.
Peter
PS Also, I implemented some of Christy's suggestions into the draft of the Witch Queen. I think it reads a little bit tighter now.
Subject: Revisions
Hi Cristina,
Here are my revisions. I just found a new literary magazine that might be much more likely to publish my work, which we could consider for submission instead of The Georgia Review. It's called the Puck Review: http://www.thepuckreview.com/aboutus.html
What do you think? They're a lot more open to younger writers. I think it might be worthwhile submitting there and coming up with my cover letter for that publication. Let me know and I'll drum one up to email to you.
Peter
PS Also, I implemented some of Christy's suggestions into the draft of the Witch Queen. I think it reads a little bit tighter now.
Email #2
Sun, Mar 29, 2009 at 6:20 PM
Subject: Contests
Hey Cristina,
Hope you had/are having fun in Miami. Here are the other contests I was looking into:
Writecorner.com Fiction Contest Prize: $1,100 Fee: $15Deadline: April 30 http://www.writecorner.com/award_guidelines.asp
OSU The Journal Short Story ContestPrize: $1000Fee: $10Deadline: May 1sthttp://english.osu.edu/research/journals/thejournal/shortstorycontest.cfm
Nimrod AwardsPrize: $2000Fee: $20 (includes one year subscription to Nimrod Literary Magazine)Deadline: April 30http://www.utulsa.edu/nimrod/awards.html
I'm working on the cover letter...
Peter
Subject: Contests
Hey Cristina,
Hope you had/are having fun in Miami. Here are the other contests I was looking into:
Writecorner.com Fiction Contest Prize: $1,100 Fee: $15Deadline: April 30 http://www.writecorner.com/award_guidelines.asp
OSU The Journal Short Story ContestPrize: $1000Fee: $10Deadline: May 1sthttp://english.osu.edu/research/journals/thejournal/shortstorycontest.cfm
Nimrod AwardsPrize: $2000Fee: $20 (includes one year subscription to Nimrod Literary Magazine)Deadline: April 30http://www.utulsa.edu/nimrod/awards.html
I'm working on the cover letter...
Peter
---------- Forwarded message ----------From: Peter Franklin <pcfrank31@gmail.com>Date: Sat, Mar 21, 2009 at 1:25 PMSubject: Stories + ContestTo: riggio.c@gmail.com
Hey Cristina,
Here are the two stories I was thinking about submitting to...wherever. I changed Darn that Dream, the one we read in class, a little bit towards the end. Let me know what you think of that. The other story, "The Witch Queen and the Steamer Trunk" has a pretty different tone, though
I hope it still has a literary, rather than fantastical, feel to it. I'll see what you think before I say anything else. Also, here is the first of the contests I was looking at. The deadline is March 31, and the prize is pretty sweet: $3,000!
http://narrativemagazine.com/node/7668
See you in class!
Peter
Hey Cristina,
Here are the two stories I was thinking about submitting to...wherever. I changed Darn that Dream, the one we read in class, a little bit towards the end. Let me know what you think of that. The other story, "The Witch Queen and the Steamer Trunk" has a pretty different tone, though
I hope it still has a literary, rather than fantastical, feel to it. I'll see what you think before I say anything else. Also, here is the first of the contests I was looking at. The deadline is March 31, and the prize is pretty sweet: $3,000!
http://narrativemagazine.com/node/7668
See you in class!
Peter
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